From Loneliness to Solitude

Psalm 25:14-18 John 16:29-33 Rev. Todd B. Freeman

Bethany Presbyterian Church, Dallas January 18, 2004

The Psalmist cries out to God in desperation, "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted."

Loneliness. It has been called the "great leveler" for it knows no limits of race, or economic class, or social status, or age, or anything else.

The renowned author on Christian spirituality, Henri Nouwen, wrote in his 1975 book Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life , "Loneliness is one of the most universal human experiences. It is also one of the most universal sources of human suffering today." In the 29 years since Nouwen made that statement the affects of loneliness appear to have become even more widespread.

Did you know that psychiatrists and clinical psychologists say that loneliness is the most frequently expressed complaint? They also say that it is at the root not only of an increasing number of suicides but also of alcoholism, drug use, and promiscuity.

What is loneliness? Well to begin with, we must not make the mistake that our culture often makes by equating being alone with being lonely. A person who is alone is not automatically lonely. Or, a person can be very lonely in the midst of a huge crowd of people.

Webster's Dictionary defines loneliness not as simply being alone but also as a sadness from being alone, or as a feeling of bleakness or desolation .

Loneliness is one of those emotions that is often accompanied by other emotions, such as depression, anxiety, and fear. Loneliness is a feeling of being disconnected, unplugged, left out, isolated and alienated.

Tim Hansel wrote a book several years ago called Through the Wilderness of Loneliness . He writes, "Sometimes there's nothing quite as desperate as feeling all alone. Trapped in our own isolation, it feels like you are in a house with all the windows blackened out so that there is no sunlight coming through. There is an inner darkness that can't seem to be pushed out." Have you ever experienced something like that? Many of us have.

Often in the midst of our own loneliness, we feel like we're the only ones in the world who are lonely. We make the mistake of thinking that other people are hardly ever lonely, especially extroverts, or couples, or beautiful people. Some social experts even suggest that we are living in the most lonely period in human history.

Well that's the bad news about loneliness. Is there any good news? Does being a person of faith, for instance, affect this issue of loneliness in any way? I would answer, Yes!

To begin with, we need to let go of any understanding that being lonely is somehow a reflection on us as being unspiritual or sinful or weak. It is none of these things. We, like the psalmist, must admit that we are not immune from these empty feelings.

Let me ask you, what do you do when you get lonely? All too often most of us retreat into either a state of silence or busyness, or even more isolation. But denial or avoidance or engagement in an addictive behavior never solved anything. And you can't buy anything over the counter to cure loneliness. You can't heal it by reading a book. You can't run, drive, or fly from it to a new solution.

Nouwen advises that when we are lonely we must stop looking for a new friend, a new lover, or a new community (including the church!) with the expectation that it is their responsibility to take our loneliness away. For when we look to others in this way our relationships easily become clinging and greedy for attention and affection.

So instead of running away from our loneliness we have to face it and turn it into what many describe as "solitude." We can move from desperate loneliness to peaceful solitude, in part, when we begin to stop merely reaching outward in order to fulfill our needs, and start searching inward.

As strange as it sounds, solitude means getting connected. To ease the pain of loneliness, there must be connection . Connections with ourselves. Connection with others. A felt experience with God. These are at the heart of all spirituality. Since loneliness occurs deep down within us, the only hope for a solution must also come from that deep down place where we can recognize how near God is to you and me.

So, begin by spending some quality time with the most important person in your life - YOU! That's not a selfish statement. That's part of loving yourself the way Jesus commanded. One of God's great gifts to us is time alone - time to be quiet and reflective. Jesus was well aware of this.

Perhaps we should look at loneliness, then, as an invitation - an invitation to connect with God. For in solitude we no only learn to hear our own inner voice, we can better hear the still, small voice of God, directing us to deal with the real, burning issues in our lives. Nouwen believe that, "The development of this inner sensitivity is the beginning of the spiritual life."

Solitude, therefore, does not ultimately separate you from others but instead brings you into a deeper communion with them. You will experience a mutual respect and a greater appreciation of each other's individuality, whether it be with a spouse, lover, friend, or a complete stranger.

Now concerning the all-too-frequent feelings of worthlessness and failure that come with loneliness, remember that our sense of worth must never be based on how many phone calls, visits, or emails we receive. They're great when they happen, but when we expect them as a necessary way to calm our fear of being alone, we become victims of our own self-complaint and self-pity.

So when it's hard to hold onto a sense that you are an important and valuable member of society and of the Church, remember this: God thinks you are of great worth. We are more important and valuable than we can ever know. So celebrate the many things that make you special - the things that make you, YOU. And share those things through acts of kindness, caring and compassion. Reach out. In doing so God allows us to recognize the Christ, the divine, in each other. You will come to experience how hard it is to feel lonely when you're ministering to others!

Our faith has something else important to say about our fear of being alone. We must never forget that being a Christian means belonging to a community .

This sense of belonging is one of the most important reasons to become an active and regular-attending member in a congregation. It's one of the most important things we have to offer here at Bethany. And since loneliness is as much a societal problem as it is a personal one, we must never loose sight of our responsibility to include and nurture others. We do that through genuine hospitality.

As we discussed last Sunday, that's part of what our baptism is all about, and that is also one of the things we celebrate in the Lord's Supper. Communion - Community.

In today's Gospel passage from John 16, as Jesus is about to be arrested and crucified, he tells his disciples, his friends, that they will all desert him - which they do. But Jesus was assured that he wouldn't be completely alone. He wanted to share this assurance with his friends so that it would bring them peace when they, in turn, would experience inevitable loneliness and affliction. Jesus said to his friends, "You will leave me alone, yet I am not alone, because God is with me."

God promises to always be with you - YOU ARE NEVER COMPLETELY ALONE! - EVER! Sometimes we forget this.

To put in another way, when Tim Hansen wrote that loneliness and isolation are like an inner darkness, he added; "however, there's a great truth that when you can't push the darkness out, you can let the light in. We may be lonely, but we are not alone."

And perhaps the following comparisons will further help you to understand the difference between loneliness and solitude.

Loneliness is feeling alone.

Solitude is being alone.

Loneliness feels frantic.

Solitude is still and focused.

Loneliness focuses on external circumstances.

Solitude focuses on the inner journey.

Loneliness relies on what others think and say about you.

Solitude relies on what God says about you and to you.

Loneliness is a reaction.

Solitude is reflection.

Loneliness focuses on absence and all you don't have.

Solitude focuses on what is present and all God has given you.

So the next time you experience loneliness, perhaps it will help if you see it as a unique gift from God - a vehicle through which you can get to know God and yourself better. Let me close with another profound quote from Tim Hansen:

Loneliness is like a caterpillar in a cocoon. It feels lonely and isolated, but it is God's way of preparing to give us new wings of freedom. As we journey from loneliness to love, we do it through the tunnel of solitude - where we again discover that God loves us truly and fully for who we are and not who we [or anyone else] think[s] we should be.

Amen!