Hell Yes I’m Angry

Ephesians 4:25-5:2   (Matthew 5:21-24   Psalm 103:6-14 ) Rev. Todd B. Freeman

Bethany Presbyterian Church, Dallas                                              August 24, 2003

For those people who wonder if the Bible has any contemporary relevance for our lives today, I like to refer them to the New Testament book of Ephesians. It is filled with remarkably applicable information about how to best live our lives. Today’s passage from Ephesians 4, for instance, contains a very practical list of common sense “do’s and don’ts.” As author Robert Fulghum would note, most of these things we learned in kindergarten.

• Tell the truth.
• It’s okay to get angry - but get over it quickly.
• Don’t steal.
• Work hard.
• Speak only words that build others up, not harmful, destructive language.
• Don’t be bitter, resentful, or hold grudges.
• Don’t quarrel.
• Don’t slander, insult, or be spiteful and malicious toward others.
• Be kind and tenderhearted.
• Be forgiving.
• Imitate God.
• And live in love, as Christ loves you.

The “Do’s” in this list are intended to help us lead a life of harmony and unity with one another, while the “Don’ts” lead to disruption and possible disintegration of our relationships and fellowship as a family. And while these things apply to all areas of our lives, remember that Paul wrote them specifically to apply to church life. Since there’s a complete sermon in each one of these Christian “do’s and don’ts” I’m going to focus on just one this morning - anger.

In my study next door in the Parish House, I have a series of books on pastoral counseling. One entire 200-page volume is devoted to, Counseling for Anger.

The editor, in the preface, makes an interesting observation. No matter what people go to see a professional counselor about – relationship issues, interpersonal conflicts, depression, grief, whatever – sooner or later the issue of anger makes its appearance. In overt or subtle forms, anger tends to be woven into most counseling.

The author, Dr. Mark Cosgrove, the chairman of the Department of Psychology at Taylor University in Indiana, begins Chapter One with the statement, “Anger may be the most common emotional experience that human beings share.” And, “To be human and doing anything is to be exposed to anger.” “Anger is common to everyone. More than any other element of people’s lives, anger affects relationships and happiness.”

The American Psychological Association (APA) has a very helpful pamphlet that I found on the Internet this week. It’s entitled, Controlling Anger – Before It Controls You. It begins:

We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

Is anger, in and of itself wrong or sinful? Psalm 37:8 warns, “Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath. Do not fret - it leads only to evil.” The Catholic Church calls anger one of the “seven deadly sins.”

Note however, that this passage doesn’t say that anger is evil, but that anger may be a well-worn path to sin. The Bible often pictures anger as a dangerous emotion that may not be wrong, but can lead us away from rational thinking. And no one – no matter how spiritual – is ever free from the emotion of anger. For let us not forget that the Gospels do not shy away from revealing that Jesus got angry from time to time. And in the Old Testament there are numerous references to the anger and wrath of God.

What causes anger? And more specifically, what in particular makes you angry? Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a coworker, family member, a pastor who uses the word “Hell” in a sermon title, or yourself). Or you could be angry at an event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight, stubbing your toe, losing a job). Or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

How is anger expressed? The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically or even verbally lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches (other than outright aggression) are, using the terminology of the American Psychological Association: expressing, suppressing, and calming.

Firstly, expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is considered the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs and expectations are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Secondly, anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior.

The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. This is often called “internalized anger.” Anger turned inward may often cause health problems, such as hypertension, high blood pressure, or perhaps most commonly, depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical, negative and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, complaining and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

And thirdly, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

One psychologist notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt." It can be like an explosive volcano that spews out molten lava.

Studies have shown that some people are indeed more prone to get angry than others. People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age.

Another may be socio-cultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Since many Christians have been taught that outward expressions of anger are an unacceptable behavior, resentment and bitterness often become the expressions of choice.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and/or not skilled at emotional communications.

The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Ephesian church, writes, “Be angry, but do not sin.” In other words, don’t let your anger become mixed with destructive behavior. The advice to not let the sun go down on our anger is a call to deal with it in a timely manner. Comedian Phyllis Diller is credited with the line, “Don’t go to bed angry, stay up and fight.”

In the 5th chapter in the Gospel of Matthew, known as the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus directs us to deal with our anger and make things right with our brothers and sisters, even before we offer our gifts to God.

In dealing with anger, that American Psychological Association pamphlet offers some strategies to keep our anger at bay. I’ve made some copies of it and they are available at the entrance to the sanctuary if you’re interested. Without going into detail, because we don’t have time, they mention: relaxation, cognitive restructuring, problem solving, better communication, using humor, changing your environment, and easing up on yourself.

Let me leave it at that this morning, and end by sharing the closing paragraph from that brochure. And in case I haven’t said it overtly enough, there is indeed a strong connection between psychology and theology.

Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.

And in that regard, I’m so thankful that Bethany Presbyterian Church is the kind of family of faith where none of us have to struggle with this or any other issue alone.

Amen.